By Nick Russell-Smith

What might a local church do, especially when complementing local professional or voluntary specialist agencies?

The writer of this section, an experienced counsellor and YWAM (Youth with a Mission) trainer, has had experience of working with dependent people individually and as a group that meets at his church. Fully integrating such people into ‘normal’ church life may take a long time – or may never happen. It is not just a matter of ‘what the congregation might think’ because there may be genuine Child Protection and other issues that make it wise to provide fellowship and support in different ways. Remember that dependency may be only one of the issues that needs to be addressed.

His experience has led him to believe these ten points are essential:

1. When a dependent stranger (possibly homeless as well) turns up at the door

Be prepared. They probably don’t want a sandwich, but possibly would appreciate a good meal. Consider setting up an arrangement with a local café or fast food outlet to provide food, or a bed in a local hostel. Giving money may not be helpful. It could be spent on drink or other drugs, but they do need money to live. Keep an up-to-date list of local services. Ensure the stewards are able to cope if someone under the influence comes into a church service.

2. Build relationships with secular authorities and gain their trust

They have resources that should complement the fellowship and care that can be provided by Christians. A godly church fellowship is a healing place to be. But do not ignore the resources available elsewhere.

3. Build a relationship with the dependent person

This can be difficult as a dependent person can be deceitful. There is a saying among rehabilitation workers: “When do you know an alcoholic is lying? When he opens his mouth!” There is some truth in this statement, but also a danger of becoming cynical and hard-hearted. It is important to see beyond the lies to the person trapped inside.

4. Trust in God

When you pray for and with people, often nothing seems to change. This contributes to the feelings of hopelessness that surround dependent people. Yet many times recovered people testify to the power of friends’ prayers during the dark times, and persistent prayer does bring change.

5. Build hope but be realistic

With each failed attempt to get free of addiction, the dependent person spirals deeper into despair. They can be helped and encouraged, but the most important thing is to be there. They will probably fall many times along the way. Help is needed to pick them up, dust them down and help them back into the struggle.

6. Keep yourself whole

There is a spiritual element to dependency. When working with those who are suffering in this way, people can come away feeling depressed and contaminated. Spend time regularly with the Lord, and be accountable to other leaders. 

7. Be vulnerable, but firm

Resist attempts at manipulation, but try to avoid becoming patronising and looking down on those with dependencies. They will not stay around for long!

8. Share burden with others

It is essential for helpers to share the load, otherwise they WILL burn out.

9. Challenge and hold accountable

There are patterns to the lies dependent people tell themselves and others, and these become obvious with experience. They spend a lot of time in denial and while there, it is difficult to provide help. Being blunt may be necessary to break this pattern.

10. Seek to help dependent person’s family

If the dependent person has a spouse and/or children, they are likely to suffer neglect and sometimes verbal, physical or sexual violence. Usually children are silenced by family walls of shame and fear, often carrying responsibility or sexual awareness far beyond their years. If they have associations with your fellowship, look for people in the church who naturally relate to children and young people so as to provide a place of safety and confidentiality. This should be linked with a church’s Child Protection policy and procedures.

Like most of the Christian walk, the way up for a dependent person may be down at first. Denial and resistance may lead to a place of brokenness where individuals would become more open to the healing and restorative work of the Lord. Physical dependence may be quickly overcome, but changes of behaviour, patterns of thinking, attitudes and fundamental beliefs will often take years and involve counselling. The AA slogan, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic,” leaves out the possibility of God’s healing and, at times, He does heal completely. However, for most it is likely to remain an area of vulnerability requiring continuing fellowship, accountability and support over the long term.

Note: Training for church-based work with dependent people is provided by Life for the World Trust.

Running a Group within a local Church

At any time during recovery there is the possibility of relapse, with its accompanying feelings of guilt, remorse and hopelessness. To offer support to dependent people and help keep them strong, consider offering a support or fellowship group. Do this as a complementary activity (to local specialist agencies) which will draw its strength from being part of a church. Do not see it as a replacement for support from other agencies. Neither should it be seen as a group which allows someone to be ‘maintained’ whilst continuing with a habit.

Running a support group will not be easy. A facilitator will be needed, someone with relevant experience or who will go about getting it before starting up a group. One or two reliable helpers will also give stability and support. Here is a suggested format for an evening session.

7.30 pm Welcome with tea, coffee and fruit juice

7.45 Worship or meditation time

8.00 10 minutes teaching/video on one of the steps or another relevant topic,

followed by discussion

8.40 Time of sharing

9.30 Finish with Lord’s Prayer or Serenity Prayer

 Note:

a) Keep Confidentiality: What is said and who attends meeting.

b) Make ‘I’ Statements: Avoid using “you” or “we”.

c) Stay in the “Here and Now”: Share this week’s problems, not past history.

d) Share Feelings about experiences, strengths, fears and hopes: Feelings are not right or wrong and no basis for shame or blame.

e) No Cross-talk: Whilst someone is sharing, no one except the leader is to interrupt, and only if what is being shared is unhelpful or unclear.

f) No Fixing: If, after someone has shared, another person has a testimony that they feel is pertinent or helpful they can offer to share it, without preaching or giving advice. The leader is the only one who can direct during this time.

g) If people are comfortable, this is a good opportunity to pray for them: This is not a chance to preach under the guise of prayer.

If an environment is created which is surrounded by prayer, and there is openness, honesty, eye contact, accountability, a desire to solve problems, identification of fears and feelings, the keeping of commitments – to meeting together, to self, family, goals, to reach out to others – then people will have opportunity to grow and recover. This format provides a context for a church to offer support and encouragement to those with dependencies.

A local church is not a professional drug service but has the potential to provide a means for fellowship and Christian support. Each church and situation is different and, in general, training in dependency issues does not figure highly in ministerial colleges. Be prepared to take advice, refer on, and obtain the necessary training.

Signs that a person is heading for relapse

The first warning signs are irregular or infrequent attendance at support group meetings. Priorities are forgotten and they become isolated, anxious, resentful, replay old negative thoughts, gossip and derive energy from emotions. Often they will speed up – find it hard to relax, become irritable, be drinking more coffee and experience mood swings. They will tend to run on anger, be overreacting, unable to forgive and feel increasingly hopeless, until they return to old drink or drug use patterns. Relapse is to be expected – it is not a sign that the helper or person being helped has ‘failed’. Rather it demonstrates the need for consistent support, which, at times, may be rejected.

Integration into Church

Consider the situation where there might be a thriving support group with a number of people stabilising, coming to faith in the Lord and wanting to enter into the life of a church. This is often a difficult time. It is hard for many in the church to see these people as equals instead of ‘dropouts’, and among the support group, habitual feelings of rejection and low self-esteem may easily arise. It may be months or even years before they learn how to fit in. Do not seek to integrate them too quickly. Discipled in a small support group, they will grow in their faith more quickly and with less conflict in your church. Remember that there may be good reasons for slow integration, connected with a person’s past, eg, Child Protection issues or criminal activity.

Using Your Premises

Many churches already offer rooms for groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-Anon, Alateen or the Stauros Foundation.